Komunikat prasowy
Introducing Earth Must Die
Featuring an unbelievable British comedy voice cast
The Spire, Tyryth, 28th September 2025
So speaks VValak Lizardtongue, Grand Shepherd of the Tyrythian Empire:
Well this is just complete and utter bullshit.
Those idiotic, moronic Terranoids think they can just roll in here and take over my beautiful Tyrythian kingdom? The kingdom that I built from the ground up with my bare hands, and only sort of inherited from my dear, sweet, extremely dead father?
Did I mention that this is bullshit?
It’s fine though, because what they don’t realize is that I am going to make them very, very dead. Along with my trusty sidekick and childhood nursing bot Milky – please do not ask me questions about that – I will whiz over to Earth, turn it into a stinking pile of rubble, and be back home in time for a warm glass of milk before bed.
Earth Must Die is the story of my glorious rise to power (off the back of my adored father’s passing), my subsequent accidental surrender to the Terranoids, and my infamous revenge against Earth and everything it stands for.
Apparently the story is retold in the form of one of those old point and click adventure games that people gave a shit about in the 1990s, I wanna say? But in 2025. Doesn’t sound like a good idea to me, but what do I know – I’m just a benevolent, terrifying leader of worlds who everyone loves and also super respects.
I’m also not sure what the phrase “British comedy royalty” is supposed to mean, but I guess they got a bunch of “funny” fuckwits to dub over my glorious voyage to feed the Terranoids their own arseholes? Let me just copy/paste the list here so I don’t have to give them any more time and effort than they deserve:
Joel Fry - Vvalak Lizardtongue
Martha Howe-Douglas - Milky
Alex Horne - Major Haskit, Bentik
Ben Starr – Krall, Danzan
Tamsin Greig – Rena, Blorr, Spiffy
Matthew Holness – Phelonius Skwid
Mike Wozniak – Willip, Jobson, Druce
Don Warrington - Quintarian
Stevie Martin – Skwidbot
Sophie Duker – Meebap
Emma Fryer – Parrach, Betsy
Alasdair Beckett-King – Oogles, Toilet, Vacuum, Village Elder
Rosie Holt – Chizz, Zarlaph, Karton
Jon Blyth – Fnaaaarglurp, Olkus
Julie Nolke – Grace Flufton
Sam O’Leary – Ian Gard, Ripper
Tom Lawrinson – Tree, Needledick
Sally Beaumont – Glushh, Big Snake
David Monteith – Allus, Pfysus, Marvap, Altican, Commandant
Inel Tomlinson – Cecil, Zertan, Robert Droid, Skwid Guards
Theo Leslie – Dinny
How do I not have someone to do this for me? Anyway, apparently my magnificent story is told over a series of many hours, and you click a bunch and things happen and really I don’t care about any of this, I’m just here for the glory.
You’ll be able to experience my unbelievably cool story through something called “Steam”, which is apparently how you access experiences like this back in 2025. Sounds primitive, but I guess every civilization has to start as gross slugs crawling their way onto the banks of the future.
VValak signing off.
Earth Must Die will launch later this year.